if iPhone8 lost: remind boy

— if and when parents lose their own phone .. Note parent already suffered a loss.
Sugg: the parent would transfer up to 10x the cost to grandpa’s SGD account, capped at $300?  fairness gesture, not a reward for boy.

— if and when iPhone8 lost by parents .. boy AND entire family has suffered a loss.
Sugg: immediately start looking for a replacement phone for boy.
Sugg: compensate boy by paying him up to $800 in SGD account

— if and when boy loses his iPhone8 for 48 hours .. boy AND entire family is likely to suffer a loss.

• Sugg: no phone for 1-6M. Boy proposed 1W. Wife didn’t object to 1M suggestion.
• Sugg: up to $400 penalty to transfer to grandpa. Half the “compensation” above. Or perhaps no penalty.
• Sugg: replacement phone cost, if any, goes to boy, but not as a penalty

some Americans must want to be successful

Q: does everyone in your immediate family want to be successful?
A….

During the 2020 presidential campaign, Jared Kushner commented on African Americans. I don’t think he defined “success”. Here I list a few defining elements , half ranked by note-worthiness

1. various life chances
2. [e] safe clean housing
3. [e] education.. as a pathway to realize individual potentials
4. — the broad, famliar elements
5. health .. drugs
6. financial .. employment, debt, househoold income

[e= See also my blogpost real essentials4livelihood ]

— self-management and ownership .. “want” is a motivation. For the motivation to bear fruits, it has to be persistent, adaptive, resilient.

I feel a lot of Americans (and Asians too) are poor with self-management. It’s most visible in spending, diet, addictions,… They don’t seem to take ownership of their own lives.

I need to stress this point with my kids.

The most important teacher for a young kid is probably the parents. The parents have the best chance to influence the motivation, the self-management habits.

Shiyan classmates refus`2study English

Similar to my son’s limited effort on math “word problems” and reluctance to apply his mind,

• In primary school I was reluctant to study Chinese,.. Later I had good absorbency i.e. tolerance for dry subjects.
• Many classmates refused to study English — completely irrelevant within their lives. Same attitude as my son?

micro-managing boy’s studies

Micro-managing is not specific to math, Chinese or any subject…

Micro-managing is somewhat opposite of ownership, as the parent takes ownership.

Micro-managing often entails emotional involvement … strain.

Micro-managing

Raymond’s approach (not sure exactly) is probably an example of micro-managing.

–tcost: Micro-managing “eats up” a lot of precious spare time. I find it hard to multitask while micro-managing his studies.

xp: My regrets were often tied to the tcost.

 

train kids to set weekly goals for themselves

Based on a book by some “expert teacher”..

It can be too hard to target “score A on this subject”. Instead, it is neither too hard nor too easy to target “complete homework on time”.

More importantly, the goal should be from the student, not imposed by an adult.

How about a target like “complete X practice problems every day”? None of these goals is easy for a kid not motivated. I just hope with parents guidance they can accept the weekly goals.

ownership is achievable IFF confident

• math — he may not be so keen, but he is confident.
• English compo — ditto
• piano practice on familiar pieces — ditto
• Chinese story read out loud — he could do it.

However, if the task is too hard (like piano or xiezi …) then ownership, motivation, independent completion is unrealistic.

• Case in point — piano practice without CDEFGAB jotted down is too hard for him … feet dragging, inefficiency.

In theory he could do it at age 8 after so much practice, but in reality he is too weak reading the score and lacks confidence. As parents we must accept it unconditionally, as if it was a developmental problem. It’s probably a common phenomenon — an uninterested student making minimal progress over a long time.

Stop comparing with other kids!

get boy2 AGREE@target/consequence

This is a reasonable principle. Better than imposing target/penalty on boy. Would help build ownership, the holy grail.

This principle works best with self-confidence, but we don’t want to aim below the kid’s capabilities, like a piece of cake. It’s the adult’s job to figure out the 110% level as a challenging yet achievable target.

If above 150%, then boy would feel forced to agree. 曲打成招. Therefore, as a necessary condition, the adult has to observe boy’s reaction. If forced to agree, then we can’t count it as agreement.

The more buy-in, the easier to enforce. For a 5-minute serious effort, parents need 5 minutes persuasion/wrestling to get the buy-in. Then boy will spend 30 wall-clock  minutes.

 

multiple ways2cope with ownership weakness(like encourage workout

Analogy: most adults have insufficient motivation, determination .. to stay active, fit and avoid unhealthy intake or unhealthy activities. It’s unrealistic to transform a typical adult into a fitness enthusiast over a few months. Better stop blaming, hating, denouncing yourself (or your spouse and kids) and  accept our inadequate self-control as a human condition. Accept it wholeheartedly. Stop comparing ourselves to those with stronger will power.

After the whole-hearted acceptance, 2nd step is identifying the various ways to improve the situation.

Analogy: Some Hongkong homes are very small so people think of creative ways to manage it.

The problem I’m facing — boy’s lack of ownership, feet-dragging… worse than many peers but also better than many peers. (The best framework so far is the roller-coaster.) OK I think this can’t be fixed over a few months. May take a few years like Colin Tan said. So we need to accept it whole-heartedly. After that, Step 2: here are a subset of many ways to cope with it:

• avoid parent’s wheelspin
• set clear rules but moderate the penalty
• cash reward and various other rewards
• use TV time as cash penalty, but only for missing a buy-in target
• praise him despite inefficiency
• strict yet supportive coaching
• if achievable get boy to agree on target/consequence. Otherwise, carefully managed the imposed target/consequence

kids’ time spent on studies vs real effort

Appearance is important.

Exec summary — Inefficiency obviously eats into family time and into parents’ time. In addition, inefficiency can really undermine the home study program.

Depending on the subject, a serious 10-minute can take about 500% more (concentrated) effort than a half-hearted 10-minute.

Most parents don’t / can’t measure “serious time” so instead we look at wall clock time and feel “so many hours of study… must be tired. Need a rest”.

In reality, the study effort might be minimal and ineffective.

Therefore, inefficiency can really undermine the home study program.

I guess the goal is high efficiency/intensity and relatively short length.

写字 daily routine agreement

Agreement between Tan Yixin and Daddy

For a week (starting 2 Oct) boy agrees to write something in Grandma’s journal book (or another book) each day, at any length, in pinyin or Chinese, unless Mr Cheng’s handwriting homework is more than 100 characters. This routine replaces the renzi routine for this week only.

If 100% success, there will be a significant reward.
For each day missed, the $10 weekly salary will be reduced by $2.

Conditions:
– On a sick day, the task can be rolled over to “tomorrow”.
– If it is too late to start, boy can either quickly complete the task or give up.
– It is not parents’ job to remind boy.

Signed:

 

____________________                                                         _____________
Boy                                                                                                               Daddy