for meimei – 3 challenges in 15 min

Try to make the challenges more fun. I think Boy likes variety, so 5 games would be good…

 

·         multiplication table

·         subtraction

·         piano recital

·         poem recital

·         guess the pronunciation

·         read a story out loud (where some of the new words we have just guessed but no meaning revealed)

reward/punish daily effort by boy #grandpa

This kind of effort has been hard for boy. Here is my 2020 New plan: Every day, he can do something meaningful such as

• tiptoe practice
• Chinese handwriting
• workout
• practice pinyin
• help meimei learn math
• teach mom some English words
• help mom with chores
• math
• piano
• .. any proposal by boy?

Every day either deduct $5 [1] if “not met” or pay him $1 if “met”. These sums are designed based on the belief that the daily targets are easily achievable without parent reminding him

Once he hits a full week, there could be a bonus, possibly zero. It could be a random amount up to $100, perhaps using a coin or a program he writes.

[1] grandpa suggests $2 but he didn’t object when I insisted on $10.

— practical criteria for “meet”: 10m/day, Mom as witness
If on a given day we can’t verify and he gives a specific positive answer, then we assume he has hit the target.

My legwork — I have to ask him everyday “Did you meet the target?” It is a legwork I choose to take on. If one day I forget to ask, then by default we assume he has hit the target.

The bonus is based on a full week’s meets and need a bit more scrutiny. Dishonesty would be punished, not tolerated.

— It’s crucial that he agrees to the scheme.

if iPhone8 lost: remind boy

— if and when parents lose their own phone .. Note parent already suffered a loss.
Sugg: the parent would transfer up to 10x the cost to grandpa’s SGD account, capped at $300?  fairness gesture, not a reward for boy.

— if and when iPhone8 lost by parents .. boy AND entire family has suffered a loss.
Sugg: immediately start looking for a replacement phone for boy.
Sugg: compensate boy by paying him up to $800 in SGD account

— if and when boy loses his iPhone8 for 48 hours .. boy AND entire family is likely to suffer a loss.

• Sugg: no phone for 1-6M. Boy proposed 1W. Wife didn’t object to 1M suggestion.
• Sugg: up to $400 penalty to transfer to grandpa. Half the “compensation” above. Or perhaps no penalty.
• Sugg: replacement phone cost, if any, goes to boy, but not as a penalty

[16]self-efficacy: boy^my yoga

see post on green zone

I guess boy doesn’t believe he could achieve full marks by working hard. No student with this disbelief would work hard towards full marks.

example — I don’t believe I can improve my flexibility with yoga at home, so I don’t have the motivation.

example — my sister was not a hardworking student as I was. In contrast, I could see that my effort could lead to good marks and good grasp of each subject.

example — In most of my jobs, I don’t try and get to know my manager better and have small talks because I don’t believe I could improve the relationship.

example — overweight individuals understand losing weight is very good for them, in numerous ways, but why they don’t have enough motivation to control diet or get exercise? One factor is self-efficacy. Consider Deepak CM

 

some Americans must want to be successful

Q: does everyone in your immediate family want to be successful?
A….

During the 2020 presidential campaign, Jared Kushner commented on African Americans. I don’t think he defined “success”. Here I list a few defining elements , half ranked by note-worthiness

1. various life chances
2. [e] safe clean housing
3. [e] education.. as a pathway to realize individual potentials
4. — the broad, famliar elements
5. health .. drugs
6. financial .. employment, debt, househoold income

[e= See also my blogpost real essentials4livelihood ]

— self-management and ownership .. “want” is a motivation. For the motivation to bear fruits, it has to be persistent, adaptive, resilient.

I feel a lot of Americans (and Asians too) are poor with self-management. It’s most visible in spending, diet, addictions,… They don’t seem to take ownership of their own lives.

I need to stress this point with my kids.

The most important teacher for a young kid is probably the parents. The parents have the best chance to influence the motivation, the self-management habits.

boy’s indifference: inefficiency→no-time2play #paradox

dabao is not bothered with the fact that he has close to no time for play because he spends all his time on homework and tuition

I feel he has little desire to get more free time.

Contrary to what we adults believe, the pain of heavy homework+tuition is not an unberable pain to him!

Perhaps he doesn’t really know what he wants to do with his spare time or how to convert spare time to enjoyment, so he doesn’t bother to create spare time.

Playtime is frequently ineffective as a motivator to him. An aimless boy?

over-confidence2″change” dabao #AshS 200w

Ashish told me about an Indian Australian girl he dated remotely. She is overweight, but Ashish was extremely confident he could make her work out really hard and lose weight. Similarly, I was confident that I could control my kids’ screen addiction, diet, exercise etc. In reality, self-will is the dominant force. Coaching is conditional on the motivation of the student.

Confidence is generally a good thing, but unrealistic, naive confidence is the seed of MY deep pains. Confidence about how much influence you have over a family member is usually overconfidence. Overconfidence in parenting is common.

Many parenting cliches suggest that parents have the authority to influence (yes) and POWER (no) to control (no) their young children’s behavior, habits. Well, the only things that control children are prisons and mental institutions. (In contrast, schools and hospital wards do not have control.)

stationeries as reward for kids

He won’t use them, but these are better than unhealthy foods or bulky toys.

Similarly, expensive, harmless foods are fine too. I think stationeries are slightly more memorable.

usb fan too -> up in wardrobe

— approx ranking of best spend by/on boy for a $10

1. stationeries as toys
2. fancy fruits
3. fancy meat + fish
4. drinks to be given away
5. small toys
6. Chinese books?
7. vacation? but high tcost

[17] vicious triangle – feet dragging; loss of engine power..

1. lack of ownership .. parent’s expectation unmet
2. parent imposing discipline
3. uncomfortably high target with inevitable penalty, which may not induce ownership!
4. give-up; engine loss of power
5. feet dragging, wasting parent’s time
6. tension, anger, regret, possibly leading to more corrective action such as discipline

In each past disaster, I see this vicious “triangle” (imprecise OK). I’m yet to single out a key factor. Maybe there isn’t a single key factor. More important question is: how to break this triangle.

 

[17] feet-dragging – real problem

FD — shorthand for deliberate inefficiency (close to zero efficiency)  and wasting time, as a protest.

FD is the equivalent of screaming and kicking, and breaking things.

FD is the thing that drove me crazy about 3 times — Christmas 2015; Before P2 Chinese exam;..

FD can mess up plans for the family and cause serious pain and real loss.

Cause of FD? Usually a super high target/consequence.

Solution: babysit (huge tcost). Usually can improve his efficiency. Forget about ownership temporarily.

Solution: give up the target/consequence. As soon as we notice serious feet dragging, we need to prepare to let go and contain the fallout.

Sugg: no TV if not done by an AGREED deadline. Key is buy-in

Sugg: music, aircon…

Symptom of FD: work for 1 minute and loaf for x minutes. I think we need to accept it. Recognize when he is able to concentrate for 5 minutes.

Symptom: distractions. Embrace it. See https://1330152open.wordpress.com/2017/01/07/distractions-during-babysitself-study/