powerless guilt #self-hate

Powerless guilt is a form of self-hate. The antidote is perception of reality, compassion, empowering the self to defend the guilty charge. In this blogpost I’m trying to make the concept less vague. Am working on it and there’s no hurry.

• — some patterns
• [s=some imaginary, superhuman standard, apparently based on some hearsay role model like the 70mile guy. ]
• [L=For the time being, I’m unable to overcome the inertia or low-energy mood and reach a satisfactory level of self-mastery. The obstacle might be internal or external, but they contribute to a sense of powerlessness.]
• absorbency and “burn” is often part of the self-hate

— actual trigger eg: As self-judge, I have reached a verdict that I am not spending enough time with my son, not sacrificing enough, as compared to other parents or some imaginary standard. However, at the moment, that imaginary standard is so unreachable that the only reaction is powerless guilt.
— defining eg: masturbation in my teenage years
— classic eg: diet + exercise self-discipline
I would say yoga and pull-up are two classic of the classic examples.
— eg: early sleep .. not powerless. I think at 11.30pm, I often feel the “zone” and the energy to go on, so I need better advance planning.
— eg: coding drill like x problems a week
— eg: localSys xx .. extrinsic mtv is ineffective
— eg: irritation by nearby noise… In a Suntec exhibition, I remember a Microsoft roadshow presenter was annoyed by a nearby stage performance featuring random explosions. These attention-grabbers stole his thunder or distracted his audience. As an audience of his presentation, I told myself that if I were him I should accept the exhibition environment. However, nowadays I also get irritated by construction noise, when I feel I should accept and live with the situation, which is easier than the presenter’s situation.

Powerless guilt is part of the reaction. I think powerlessness is a reality that few individuals could handle effortlessly (sometimes I can). Guilt is something we can try to reduce.

Kranji trip: family outing diet xp

Without this review/reflection, I would suffer the self-hate, despair, self-contempt, wipe-out as I completely forget the efforts, the rewards, and focus exclusively on the failures, the loss of control,,

🙂 In the morning I resisted the wrong-time temptation.
🙂 The night before, I had only 2 red-bean pancake, and said no to leftover cooked rice+dishes
At Kranji,

• 🙂 I made the right choice to eat a papaya
• 🙂 I made the right choice about red bean cold dessert. Better than a few other foods. The ice helped a lot.
• By buying 2 cake-history breads, I decided to reward my efforts of the morng + the night before.
• 🙂 .. I delayed the eating of the cakes. I gave myself the chance to discard [1] them.
• 🙂 At cake history, I exercised self-discipline to avoid buying too many
• I did buy a sugary drink, partly becasue it looked novel and it is full of healthy ice cubes.
• .. It proved against that sugar without starch is not so irresistible, thanks to my “system”

🙂 At Admiralty, I didn’t buy any food, even though they are very economical.

— [1] this is an example of the proposition .. buying something only to satisfy a longing, a desire, to be discarded later.
As I grow older, I may need this technique more and more.

• eg: As I shared with Kyle in 2019, on the street of NY I gave away lots of cheap fruits, as the burden was way too heavy for me and I would not enjoy the extra fruits anyway.
• eg: my tanbin.com domain name. I just don’t need it any more. It satisfied my need for a few years.
• eg: buy some gadets for kids …
• eg: cheap toys for kids

##gain` traction+vision {years@envy #c++

Need a better title. Old title: “##gain` traction+vision {years@envy”, showing

1. Gaining vision after years of shooting in the dark
2. Gaining traction after years of spinning the wheel

This blogpost grew to become /unwieldy/, so I split it to a sister blogpost on wellness+finance

• [c = even a SINGLE effective strategy / tactic would put me well above the clueless majority]
• [m = I or someone can teach a class like the master class run by the Value-Investing or e-commerce gurus ]
• [r = reflective writing proved instrumental]
• [e = I envied for years, until I figured out some secrets, and now becoming the envy of others ]
• [t= reached a decisive turning point]

—- eg: secure foothold in the U.S. the land of opportunities. I am reaching my turning points steadily. Last one was my priority date becoming current.
—- eg: find a women good enough, who likes me. Turning point was 2005.
—- [t] eg: sexual intercourse — I had months of failures until I found effective techniques, and the techniques continued to work (no need to be 100%).
My traction secrets? jogging; avoid breasts; self-knowledge that the penis would lose erection if you keep trying for several minutes, so put on condom well before full erection.
—- [ct] eg: ROTI family outing — The tcost of outing was prohibitive. ROTI was always underwhelming if 5H+
My traction secrets? jogging
—- [cmr] eg: bedbugs — most people think a single sighting implies they must treat everything, and stay in hotel for a few days. Even after treatment , they fear the bedbugs could come back from neighbours.

My vision secret? See bedbug heuristics:where, how many,spreading speed,weekly check
—- [c] eg: use paper as dashboard — more effective than technologies
—- [cm] eg: mosquito screen — economical, durable. Additional traction secret: avoid tear at the edges.

===== as student
—- [et] improve English vocab and aim to have enough to express myself in writing and carry a conversation
—- [et] improve English listening and aim to follow BBC radio
In terms of listening, this goal is harder because the other person can’t slow down and repeat for me.
—- [et] earliest defining example: Chinese compo — My “traction” secrets to start gaining traction?

• Use as many nice phrases as possible to describe details;
• Develop sufficient vocabulary to describe vague or complex sentiments
• free-flow writing

Is this a defining eg of “traction”? Yes.

===== career
—- [mt] eg: java (and c++) IV stardom — Is this a defining eg of “traction”? Yes.
My traction secrets? I failed many interviews until I found out what valuable questions to focus on

C++ journey was more winding. My traction required more interviews and easier interviews.

HFT c++IV are still too hard.
—- WallSt-pro status — achieved in 2010 after GS.
My traction secrets? not GS trec, not dnlg, but java IV skill !
—- [ce] tech career longevity — against churn. We all envy the doctors.
My vision secrets? I found a “way” to this goal, via WallSt contract market
—- [et] eg: c++ IV, and c++/java combo — envied for years those who can pass C++ interviews. This battle is much harder and longer than the java battle. My traction secret? Here are some

• bet on the topics. Go skin-deep [1] on a wide (wider than java?) range of paper-tiger topics, but go deeper on several core topics. See c++11,sockets,IPC in QnA IV #AshS
  • [1] earlier I overspent myself on too many secondary topics.
• Use HFT c++ interviews as training only; count successes only at Type1 and Type3 c++ interviews. Focus on outscoring the competition at these easier contests.

 

semi-highfliers #c++IV rockstar

See also

• wake up1day..left behind the pack #serenity — similar sentiment
• not left-behind@Any front: real feat
• why I feel successful #le2wife #1400w — more complete analysis
• G4 Personal advantages: Revealed over15Y #byHalf

Over the decades, I have been held hostage by the envy for these groups of individuals

1. MNC managers, OC-effective
2. c++ (and web2.0) interview rock stars
3. start-up rock stars like Zhu Jiang

As discussed in OC-effective: overrated, these three groups of high-flyers are not necessarily successful by ANY definition whatsoever. I call them SEMI-high-flyers. They are good at that one game only. They don’t even make more money. If they do, their family Brbr is likely inferior to mine, and underwhelming in some cases.

Is there something in common among these groups? Well, introspectively, these are the biggest games I choose to play but not as well as they play. I felt so much envy exactly because I played seriously. In contrast, there are other games I chose to play but less seriously:

4. parents of academic kids
5. owners of multiple properties
6. husband of a beautiful (and thrifty) woman

However, I would point out a few games of higher “value”,  in terms of family livelihood and satisfaction with my life:

• family harmony and resilience
• healthy, resilient, motivated kids
• healthcare provision — SG compares favorably with welfare states like Canada. See ##SG healthcare inflation Cushions #YJL. In contrast, majority of those semi-high-fliers are stuck with the expensive U.S. healthcare.
  • Other social safety nets — SG compares favorably
• my own wellness and career longevity, as a major pillar for family livelihood.
  • other defensive, resilience measures for family livelihood as in [20] list@Protections — those semi-high-fliers are unlikely to have these.
• brbr, FullerWealth (thanks to my nonwork income) — I suspect some of the semi-high-fliers are trapped on cashflowLowerGround, even if they have two incomes.
• efficient, comfortable commute

I would say the (c++, algo or java) interview game is still worthwhile. I play for honor, for self-challenge, for self-growth, for confidence-building, for resilience.

[18] Spare time usage while living with family, again

Q: If I live with family how much of my spare time will go to kids?
%%A: Experience shows 50% – 80% (unscientific)

Q: Did I spend my spare time on the wrong things? I am keenly aware of such mistakes. I would say as a student (and interview preparation) I was exceptional in terms of spending spare time on the right things.

Right after MSFM I felt such relief n freedom but soon that huge amount of spare time was absorbed by …?

I analyzed, even recorded, my spare time % usage during Mac days.

–Xp on Sep 2018 trip

• Blogging
• Preparation for outing.
• “Outing” after dinner with kids? 1.5 – 3H
• Family laptop set-up? 3-6 hours
• Mandatory visits.. not only dental and cholesterol
• Help boy with math? 5-10 hours
• Repairs… not only luggage, fan …
• Met Raymond for 3H
• Two polyclinic visits + discussions ? 5-10 hours

G3 lockdown⇒ damages@my life

See also 1st days back in office 

This “Group of big 3 damages” highlights the real priorities among priorities.

1. loss of private space (quiet hours) for reflective blogging and self care, but since late May I could go to MRT or bus interchange
   • the #1 most critical situation — family conflict. Lockdown results in Loss of sanctuary. In the form of office or MRT (later the bus interchange), the sanctuary had become a critical resource I depend on, similar to my son’s dependency on electronic devices.
   • A separate room did make a real difference, after grandparents left. Even though it is 10% as effective as office, this 10% is a Big Deal !
2. bonding with boy — I had more frustrations, and more bursts of temper, until May.
3. loss of opportunities to capture absorbency power-surges. I rely on these power surges to compete.
   • work projects, localSys
   • QQ
   • exercise, yoga
4. — beyond g3, unranked
5. diet and BMI loss of control
6. sleep — my late hours often lead to poor sleep the next morning, with noisy kids.
7. loss of exercise opportunities — absorbency, facilities, until I found the jogging tracks.
8. no family outing, until we found the PCN at Lorong 8
9. yoga
10. standing desk usage

— Some of the unexpected triumphs:

• More positive perception of wife’s parenting practices
• I learned to accept my kids’ misbehavior — ignore, or become detached observer
• jogging
• repaired many things at home
• wrong-time temptation at home meal time
• intimacy with wife

(repetitive)blogg`=valuable, imt self-help/counselling

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/w3cswrk0 is a Why-factor production on self-help industry. The seminars, counselling, self-help …  these External input can open our eyes, point out our blind spots and suggest new directions. I do agree “Seek help when needed.” but that’s the initial step. The hard bit is sticking to the golden advice over the years, through ups and downs. It depends mostly (99%) on self effort.

• eg: addiction cessation like smoking, alcohol
• eg: more workout, less over-eating
• eg: curiosity searches to be warehoused
• eg: anger management
• eg: tolerance/restraint in spouse communication

In almost all of the areas important to me, self-diagnosis, self-support, self-care, … is 100 times more important than external help.

— life coach

I see myself as a motivated “kid”. The most reliable, not the most supportive, efficient, not the perfect, life coach is myself. This life coach will never give up on the kid (me).

My therapeutic blogging is the purest form of self-coaching. Highly repetitive, but that’s the fundamental nature of any coaching.

Repeated SMS is a basic part of behavior change, whether through blogging or external influence.

roti@blogg^need4reflect ^aboutOth

Both need4reflect and rotiOfBlogg tags help me locate first-aid ideas. These ideas help me defend my habits (blogging habit and reflective habit). Overlap? Normal, to be accepted.

• roti@blogging .. more specific about blogging
• t_aboutOth blogposts are usually about need4reflect

##more spare time can”buy”me__ #XR

update as of Oct 2020: My Spare time was more scarce esp. during UChicago days. Now I have a rare lifestyle with more spare time, so now I believe most people including XR would not be productive if given this much spare time.

See also

• strategic areas!!gett`enough sunshine #+patience
• spare time as slack resource
• plowback
• ctbz(寸土必争): micro-saving add up over 20Y
• ## layers@buffer⇒security #Leave

XR described to me that (lack of) spare time means so much to him — coaching his son on Chinese; coding drill; personal investment; … However, if he is given 50 hours of spare time, can he be productive in those 50 hours or just 5 hours?

Original title: What can more spare time including leaves “buy”me? Answer:

• lower-body flexibility; cardio fitness
• more therapeutic, reflective blogging
• more (productive or fun) time with kids
• more QQ and coding drill?
• slightly more exploration of local codebase on my own, without time pressure.
• more wellness research, for self-care and teaching my kids. Parents spend a lot of time talking to kids about wellness.
• more calls to Beijing

However, limiting factor is not only spare time (like O2) but absorbency:

• insufficient absorbency for localSys
• insufficient absorbency for jogging, stretch
• insufficient absorbency for coding drill

Jolt: Before I scold ah-boy about his absorbency deficiency, look in the mirror.

##self-care under lockdown: private hour usages #w1r4

Private hour is precious, mostly for self-care. I need to be selective when allocating private hours. If I devise a scheme to record utilization rate of each 30-min block, I suspect bulk of my private hours are spent .. elsewhere.

1. sleep — Aim at more sleep (8H) than under un-heightened stress.
   1. Under heightened stress, Lack of sleep creates profound risk on performance worry, immunity, family harmony…. the steadfast focus targets
2. therapeutic blogging, including some emails with friends, is my version of “meditation”.
   • I had to do this at MRT or in a park, with mlphone as hotspot
   • git-blogging and web blogging both became therapeutic self-care
3. work project — underlies self-confidence, self-esteem, and reduces self-hate, anxiety… May need private hour
   • localSys including reviews — less likely to need private hours

Q: what self-care t-spends don’t work so well
A: Don’t aim to be there for “them” all the time. I need quiet time4selfcare
A: movies
A: Robinhood — too time consuming. I can’t “stop after 1 minute” as i wanted

Some self-care acts do __N_O_T__ require private hour:

• home repairs — (similar to gardening) tcost but can be therapeutic. Sense of achievement.
• covid19 news reading
• Robinhood, FSM
• read [[chicken soup]], [[读者]] etc
• Eng vocab blog review
• movies with kids — generate self-hate, though it sometimes builds some bonding
• time with grandpa — yes self-care
• help grandparents with logistics — not self-care
• longer sleep than before — Can generate guilt. Can help immunity
• — the familiar
• git-blogging or review of tanbinvest and 610610 blogs? guilty, but can do during day time, in another room.
• jogging, perhaps in parks? don’t need private hours. probably the most efficient self-care. Sometimes it lifts my mood, but this time is mostly invisible self-care. I need to maintain and hopefully increase the workout.
• mini exercise? kind of self-care, albeit too short to feel “tough” enough; Doesn’t need private hour
• tech xx or jobjob blog? makes me feel doing something to strengthen myself, but no private hour needed